Dominant Responsibilities

Fantasies of BDSM are usually full of restraints, naughty talking and debauchery. If only a modern pervert's life were that simple! The way that S/m is portrayed in the media and most porn you would think it’s just as easy as grab a rope, claim a bottom , and poof; “Instant pervy goodness! You too can own a slave!” Over the years many responsibilities have popped up that I hadn’t anticipated when I decided to train and ‘own’ erotic slaves. One of the most challenging is always when to release a slave from service or not to do things you have enjoyed with someone previously because you feel it may harm them in the long term. If someone is going to trust you with their mental and physical safety they should know that these things are being considered. This is part of the huge responsibility of owning a slave, though it is one of those strange little nuances you never hear about.

I am guessing it’s because the “When to get rid of your slave” workshop would probably not be very well attended. Understandably so, none of us want to think about such un-pleasantries at a kinky event. We would much rather focus on connection than disconnection. That does not mean we shouldn’t.

I am not speaking of a simple “I don’t connect with this person” or “We don’t have the same interests.” I am talking more about established loving relationships that you connect well in. You figure out somewhere along the way that the relationship is enabling the other person to do unhealthy things to themselves, either emotionally or physically.( i.e. Using your desires to keep from having to focus on their needs or Engaging in self depreciation games of failure and guilt.) Sometimes this is not obvious; it can be a subtle pattern. It is hard for me to feel good about service that doesn’t come from the right place. For me, that place is one of humility and gratitude but also mutual respect and clear communication. Anything less doesn’t work.

I had to release a professional client once due to his age. He was a very sweet older man who had fantasies of long term, corporal enforced slave training. He waited until very late in life to explore his interest in BDSM. “Karen” was referred to me after deciding to take a trip to the OWK, his previous experience was pretty mild and this is a full immersion experience. It was sad but the decision had to be made for both his safety and mine that he be released from service. I also finally successfully convinced him to cancel his subsequent trip due to his health conditions. He was devastated to learn I would no longer see him. He had done nothing wrong, was very responsive to pain and was very respectful. It was upsetting, however, how could I possibly feel good about taking some poor sick old man's money when I truly felt that he was at risk for injuring himself with unrealistic expectations. I couldn’t and I am not in the habit of compromising my integrity that way. They sure don’t tell you this stuff in the local "How to be a Dominatrix" class…

Another more recent incident was when chatting with mr. 8. He was telling me how he is really interested in exploring more of his kinky desires but fears getting lost in them; of losing his firm grip on the realism of everyday responsibility by acting out his sexual desires. I think that fear comes from a previous experience in serving someone who considered him arm candy and an ego boost more than a play-partner. His needs were not really considered beyond those of basic safety. That is rather short-sighted and as a result, those relationships rarely work out. I also think it is frightening to submit to someone who truly understands your desires and knows how to mold you into a fantasy creature for their pleasure. No matter how hot that fantasy is, the reality of it is intense. I told him that I don’t feel like he should ever submit to anyone that he can not trust to pull him back when the time is right. It is abusive for a top to continue to push someone deeper into role if it is unhealthy for them. I consider unhealthy to be causing them to neglect family and work responsibilities, personal convictions or core beliefs for simple immediate gratification. I certainly would never want to switch with someone that selfish. Bottoms are not given enough opportunity to learn about this stuff though, with the way things work now-a-days. Anyone who hops into a chat room is a ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’. The really sad thing is a whole generation of players are coming up with the idea that knowing when to start an instant message with “* kneeling for you pleasure, Sir” is what training is about. Sorry for the ramble there but my point is, mr. 8 should be able to trust his top to know when to “hold ‘em”. How can he fully relax into role otherwise?

Closest to my heart is one of my personal slaves whom things are growing more and more intense with. This is a time of tough contemplation for me around our relationship. I have very definative boundaries due to my career in sex work. One of the amazing things about working in this industry is that we are able to get a very clear idea of what does and does not work for us in our lives. It is always hard to have to be the one who says the time has come to part ways. It is also one of the least glamorous parts of being a dominant.

Just a few things to consider when examining your own adventures…