"How did you become a dominatrix?"

This is the number one question people ask when they find out my career choice. I used to go into a long winded story of my early perversity and the natural progression to pro kink; these days I like to keep things simple. I thought that dominatrixes were just kinky prostitutes in my younger years. I never saw anything wrong with prostitution but as I have said before, I had no desire to explore it either. When I got my first “modern” computer, (Before that it was a Commodore 64!) I started researching all the kinky things I had fantasized about but couldn’t find information on. My early kinky literature consisted mainly of fine art coffee table books and Skin Two. Those were great stimulation, however, they didn’t explain the meat of the matter. I moved into more action-oriented materials by my late teens. (Thank you Jason from the now defunct ‘Forbidden Books’ in Dallas. If it wasn’t for him and his store I don’t know what this kinky Texan would have done.)

As I researched kink on the web I found several Mistresses who offered authentic BDSM exchanges without sex. My interest was piqued and I scoured the local papers trying to find a suitable mentor/employer. I had been playing personally for several years at that point but had no idea about the business of professional domination or the experience required. I found an ad right off. “Seeking dominatrix for shows,” (If I read that ad these days I would skip over it, I do not provide “shows” but at the time I didn’t know sex-work lingo. I find the word “show” disrespectful as it implies I am here to entertain you rather than teach you. It also makes the whole experience a lot more superficial. My sessions are authentic, not staged. I tell those looking for shows to pick up a local sex rag and have at it; plenty of “shows” to choose from there.)

I went and interviewed with a woman who was an escort seeking to expand her business with BDSM services. I explained to her very clearly what I was comfortable with and my previous experience with S/m. She assured me that she would only book me with clients seeking traditional BDSM with no sex or nudity on my part. I should have listened to my instincts when they said “this woman is trouble.” I did not. She ended up sending me on a total of two calls. When I arrived to interview each client they were expecting a kinky sex experience. I wished them good luck and left. After the first one I called her and explained what had happened. She apologized and assured me this wouldn’t happen again. The second time I left never to speak with her again. I was disheartened and assumed I had been correct, that a dominatrix was a kinky prostitute.

I continued to research my kinky interests and watched the careers of renowned Mistresses like Ilsa Strix. I admired the strength and allure present in their photos. I scoured through their beautifully written, insightful articles and about a year later, I decided to give it whirl again. I knew that some of these women were legitimate players and I wanted to live a life exploring my fantasies and helping others to realize their own. The second ad I answered was from a woman who I had seen advertised for a long time. She seemed legitimate and stated no “sex” was offered or implied. I called her and she was articulate and very clear about what was and was not expected. I liked her.

Mistress “M” was gracious and seemed to understand exactly what I was interested in. She had been a dominatrix for many years at that point and answered my questions easily and honestly. She worked out of a small apartment in a Dallas suburb that was outfitted with a “dungeon” in one of the bedrooms. (That is a common arrangement.) I worked with her for about a year and a half before deciding to venture out on my own. I learned a lot about the business from her, including how I didn’t want to do it.

She was a professional dominatrix who had no interest in playing in her personal life. I found, over time, that I could not respect that. One of the major problems with that is that any equipment bought is considered based on cost effectiveness and not quality. When I select a piece of gear it is a sincere desire that drives me, not “Is this going to make me more money?”

My other issue was that she required all people working with her to switch. (She did not switch herself.) I had already established at that point that I was not interested in switching with men or in a D/s situation. (I do enjoy exploring masochism with a few select women, however I do not enjoy being submissive.) I did my best to dissuade potential clients seeking a switch or submissive session by putting on my “Mommy” voice and giving them a long list of limits, requirements and questions. (I think I ended up doing about 4 or 5 switch sessions in that year and a half. They were with very nice men who wanted to learn bondage, corporal and electricity. They also didn’t have a problem with my ‘topping from the bottom’ attitude. I connected well with them over the phone and never felt like I did anything I would regret later.) These things combined with her policy to see anyone who wanted to come in left a lot to be desired. I decided to leave after opening a second location for her in Austin.

The experience was not a bad one, overall; I learned a lot. I also met some wonderful clients who helped me in numerous ways to develop my skills as a dominant and as a sexuality consultant. I feel fortunate that my introduction was with a small business rather than the large houses in major cities that seem to treat the women working for them as cattle. I have read many horror stories and feel very fortunate that my problems were mainly a difference in opinion and lifestyle choice.

I designed a play space in my home and went from there. Once I took total control, I developed a wonderful crew of regulars and excelled quickly in my career. The best decision I made was to diversify my income by adding web work and BDSM modeling to my repertoire. This has enabled me to continue playing full time, as well as, be very selective about my clients and the scenes I choose to engage in. That is the single most important piece of advice I can offer any new dominatrix. Choose your clients based on compatibility, not the almighty dollar. You will make a bit of cash initially but burn out quickly if you see anything with a pulse and a couple hundred bucks. If someone is an asshole, do not waste your energy on them. If you ask for a reference and it’s bad, consider it, don’t rationalize it away. Do not ‘bottom feed’ by seeing those people you know are not right for you. This career offers a wonderful range of opportunities if you can establish your boundaries and learn from your mistakes.

It has been an exciting, amazing journey and I would not change a thing.

(I am unsure who made the artwork above. I was "Googling" for something sexy and found it here.)