Negotiation 101

Negotiation is a process of communication where players discuss their interests, experience,desires and limits. It is an integral part of any consensual BDSM exchange. Engaging in any of the physical or mental aspects of BDSM with someone you have not negotiated with is considered rude at best. It is abuse most of the time. That is why it is in poor taste to expect someone you don't know to act as your slave or even in a dominant role. Just because someone is kinky does not mean they wish to engage in that sort of play with you or anyone else. (Some people do choose to engage in scenes with anonymous people without negotiating. This can be extremely dangerous for both parties and I do not recommend it.)

Negotiating gives you more to work with anyway, if you know exactly what buttons to push they will be all the more malleable. Everyone has a different method for negotiating their play. My style is candid and conversational. I ask a lot of questions that are designed to get the bottom talking about their previous experience and fantasies in a non confrontational, easy going manner. This relaxes them. I use this time to reassure them that it is important to be completely honest with me as I will be using the information I gather to construct a scene that combines both of our interests. The more clearly they answer my queries the better time we will have.
I negotiate with people whom I have only exchanged an email or two with a lot, your experiences will probably differ quite a bit.

Some people use lists comprised of many different fetishes and BDSM activities to tell a partner what they are interested in exploring. Those lists can be a great guideline to discuss different areas of interest. They do not explain the motivations for being interested in any of the activities. They are simply a tool to assist in a more thorough negotiation, not the negotiation itself. This is because looking at a list won't tell you why someone likes to be bound. It will not tell you what it is like for them to be humiliated.You need to discuss why the checked items either work or don't work for them so you can pick up themes in both interests and limits.

When I question a potential play partner about their interests I ask them to elaborate on each one. For instance , if they say "I like rubber", I ask them what they like about it. Is it the smell? It is the way it looks? Do they enjoy wearing it? Its restrictive qualities? It is important to establish what it is about the activity or object that is desirable. Some one with a foot fetish may have a very specific interest in smelly feet. If they don't elaborate during negotiation and you start trampling that person thinking it is a reward your scene time will have been wasted and the effect watered down. The same holds true for limits. It is important to find out why something is a limit, even if the answer is "I am not comfortable with that at this time." Assumption during negotiation is short sighted and wastes a lot of time down the road.

After asking their general interests and limits I inquire about their health. At this time I ask what if any medication they are on, previous surgeries and any other health related information I should be aware of. This should include seizures,heart conditions, asthma, allergies, STDs and anything else that would be relevant to the type of scene your doing. (If you are playing with a new partner I highly recommend playing as though they do have an std. This is one of the best ways to protect yourself. Remember, many people do not even realize they are carriers to diseases that lie dormant for many years.You do not have to exhibit physical signs to pass on most STDs)

This is a good time to ask about any past fears,trauma or abuse that have occurred in their past. Not everyone interested in kinky games has had an abusive past but if they have it is important to know. This will tell you hot buttons to either push or stay away from depending on your relationship and the type of play you both enjoy. The stuff we are doing is intense and can trigger emotional responses from past traumas. Don't let that scare you off. It can also help you work through many things that hold you back and can provide some of the most intimate , sacred moments with another person imaginable. Vulnerability and trust are amazingly potent aphrodisiacs.

Ask the bottom when the last time they ate was and what it consisted of. Tying someone up who is dehydrated or has not eaten is a recipe for disaster. It is a quick way to get them to pass out. I tell my bottoms to eat a light protein meal one hour before coming in. They are also instructed to be well rested and hydrated. If they have not eaten, get them something light before proceeding.

Now I ask various questions depending on the person sitting in front of me. The rest of the negotiation is about getting the bottom to speak candidly about what makes their jewelry jingle or their sack shrivel. Here are some ideas:

Describe your favorite scene.
Describe a scene that didn't work out, and why it did not go well.
Describe your favorite porn.
What do you think about when you masturbate?
Tell me about the first time you realized you were kinky.


The point is to get them talking so that you can gather information to make your scenes safer, more authentic and more effective. It is important to make the discussion relaxed and sexy. This is supposed to be fun, you are not filling out census information. A well executed negotiation will give you insight into your bottom that all of the how to books in the world won't match. I have lots more to add on this but my spandex sheets are calling...

Nighty night.

(Negotiation 201 will cover topics like: how important is sex for your scene, what sort of feedback is important and what sort of relationship are both players looking to explore.)