Notes on being poly...
"Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired." The idea that I can only truly love and be sexually attracted to one person at a time doesn’t work for me. Think of it this way, your friends each offer you something different in the way of kinship. A friend who is humorous, a friend who is intellectual, someone who might have similar entertainment interests or the sarcastic one who will tell you how it really is… they each offer you a very different relationship dynamic. I think it is unreasonable to expect one person to fill all of these roles romantically. People change constantly and I believe that evolution is supported by having a variety of experiences and interactions with different energies. For me being poly is not just about sexual variety, but also the freedom to love and explore as I choose. That freedom tends to strengthen my primary relationships rather than detract from them.
One thing that is vital to making poly relationships work is open, honest communication. That is the only thing that can help people deal with jealousy and insecurity. Mr. Skateboard could never seem to grasp that one, hence our relationship’s demise. It is very difficult for some people who have been conditioned by society that “monogamy is the only way” to release the guilt they feel when having multiple partners. These same people are often unfaithful in secret. (They have the desire for multiple lovers but lack the skills necessary to incorporate it in a healthy, meaningful way.)I can’t imagine how unpleasant that must feel. For an eye opening look at how widespread that problem is, look at the statistics on extra marital affairs.
Most Americans are taught that sex is dirty unless it is between a single man and woman for procreation. ( and it better be missionary!) Unfortunately, some people are unable to break that thought pattern and try as they may, poly relationships do not work for them. I make no judgment against people who chose to stay monogamous as that can be a healthy, fulfilling choice for some. I would just like to see people consider other options and choose monogamy based on an educated and realistic choice, not a societal standard that they have been force fed.
A common misconception is that people who are poly sleep with anything that moves. For me this couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact that I have the freedom to fuck who I choose does not mean I am interested in sleeping with as many different people as possible. My relationships tend to be long-lasting intimate friendships that also incorporate sex.
These were random ideas about poly vs. monogamy that came about during a discussion. I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions and concerns regarding this. I will incorporate them into a more complete article in the future.
Until then…
COMMUNICATE with your lovers.
Use safer sex methods.
Don’t buy into the crazy right wing standards of sexuality.
One thing that is vital to making poly relationships work is open, honest communication. That is the only thing that can help people deal with jealousy and insecurity. Mr. Skateboard could never seem to grasp that one, hence our relationship’s demise. It is very difficult for some people who have been conditioned by society that “monogamy is the only way” to release the guilt they feel when having multiple partners. These same people are often unfaithful in secret. (They have the desire for multiple lovers but lack the skills necessary to incorporate it in a healthy, meaningful way.)I can’t imagine how unpleasant that must feel. For an eye opening look at how widespread that problem is, look at the statistics on extra marital affairs.
Most Americans are taught that sex is dirty unless it is between a single man and woman for procreation. ( and it better be missionary!) Unfortunately, some people are unable to break that thought pattern and try as they may, poly relationships do not work for them. I make no judgment against people who chose to stay monogamous as that can be a healthy, fulfilling choice for some. I would just like to see people consider other options and choose monogamy based on an educated and realistic choice, not a societal standard that they have been force fed.
A common misconception is that people who are poly sleep with anything that moves. For me this couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact that I have the freedom to fuck who I choose does not mean I am interested in sleeping with as many different people as possible. My relationships tend to be long-lasting intimate friendships that also incorporate sex.
These were random ideas about poly vs. monogamy that came about during a discussion. I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions and concerns regarding this. I will incorporate them into a more complete article in the future.
Until then…
COMMUNICATE with your lovers.
Use safer sex methods.
Don’t buy into the crazy right wing standards of sexuality.
posted by Betka Schpitz at
6/04/2006 06:49:00 PM
6 Comments:
You said it so eloquently, and you are so right on. For me, the natural tendency is to be jealous and possessive, both qualities I couldn't despise more in a partner. Choosing to be polyamorous, having and giving the freedom to take on love as we will is far more meaningful, and I feel, relieves a person from feelings of guilt and resentment, leaving room for a more healthy, realistic relationship.
Strange how the poly community is so discriminated against.
I couldn't agree more on your perspective on poly. Personally I have been involved in a couple of poly relationships. The first was quite a doozy being dropped into one in my mid 20s with a Domme I was dating who had a husband who had ad live in girlfriend and she also had another submissive lover too...Talk about thrown into the deep end. I had to quickly confront my natural intense feelings of insecurities and jealousy pretty quick. Though we mananged to work things out, with distance and some growing to do, things eventually didn't work ou. To this day we are close friends. I strongly believe that we were always honest with each other and respected one another. Contrast this to my last relationship which was quite a disaster from a "poly" perspective. Personally, I would approach a relationship with an initial monogamous period where we get to know each other, develop a foundation of trust, honesty and openess. Then from there the relationship would evolve to a poly stage...Like I said, this is just me. My last relationship "demanded" a poly relationship only a month after we dated. She basically WANTED the right to date and fuck who she wanted...no questions asked and felt that that was what it meant to be poly. I couldn't disagree more. I feel that in a poly situation you you are open and honest with your partners and appreciate each other for the unique quilities you add to each others lives rather than sneak around, deceive, like its your perogative because you claim the title of being "poly"...just my little soapbox. I would be curious to hear perspectives on the differences in poly and swingers. Now that Ihave been exploring the swingers scene, the distinctions are a bit blurred.
-Ling
Yeah! Good post Ms B I loved it. I agree with all you said, I hope more people realize there are really more ways to enjoy life!
Oh and I am a mac girl go with the macbook, or macbook pro, not the cheapest but you will really LOVE IT!!!!!
Astra: I agree jealousy and possesiveness almost always have to be dealt with. I will be sure and cover some ideas about how to deal with those things in the extended article. I think it is perfectly natural to be concerned about losing people you care about. I find that the only thing that works in resovling jealousy for me is feeling safe enough to talk about it. If soemone tries to pretend it doesnt exist or that it is wrong to feel that way it severely inhibits the open , honest communication vital to making these relationships work. Thanks for your comment. I hope things are swimming along with your beast. I am trying to organize a trip to NY sometime soon. We must unleash some kind of orgasmic bliss together. I have a new trick for tootsies. ;)
Ling: Thanks for taking time out of your hellacious schedule to bring up such wonderful points! The things you referenced are exactly the meat I am looking to discuss in the extended article. Manipulation of the word "poly" to fit someones sordid agenda can really muck things up. ( i.e. no boundaries, discussing things after the fact, using it as an umbrella to be a fuckhead.) I made a lot of mistakes along the way and hope sharing some of those in the next article will help newbies and experienced players alike. I agree that poly works best after time has been spent focusing on your new mate. I think anything else says "It's more important for me to fuck who I want than it is to get to know you and connect." I always let potential lovers or people I am thinking of playing with that being poly is very important to me. That doesnt mean I need to go out and grab the first stiff cock or slippery cunt I find. It is more about ensuring we are on the same page before wasting each others time or hurting one another needlessly. My opinion about the difference between the "swinger" lifestyle and "poly" is the importance of connecting outside of sex with each other. I have explored both lifestyles. (I am generalizing a lot.) The swinger set seems to be more about random hook ups that are all about hot fucking. ( No porblem with that!)I enjoy watching this but it is not a fulfilling sexual choice for me. I find that poly circles tend to be more interested in communicating and connecting outside of a sexual scenario. There is a lot of cross over between the two, I believe this is why the lines seem a bit blurry. I say fuck the lines, lets get them wet and messy. Just explore your sexuality in a safe and healthy way. ( I wish we didn't have all of these titles and labels to deal with.)
Ms V: That is exactly what I am hoping to do. Just get people thinking outside of their comfort zone. To really explore what drives them and feel good about it. I am so glad your reading here, your blog is one of my favorites. You make me giggle and giggle giving those boys hell like you do!Thanks for the laptop advice.
P.S.
If you haven't cheacked out Ms V's blog do it now! http://www.mistress-v.com
I admire both your writing style and what's more, the ability with which you express yourself.
I believe everyone has those natural tendencies, why hide them? However, I can also be a jealous person - as such, I've yet to be in a relationship where I'm comfortable enough with both myself and my partner to let that be a part of us. One day, perhaps.
this blog is very nice and unique! excellent website as well=)
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