What happens when I call a dominatrix?
Mystical clouds part, your posture instantly improves and you fall straight to the floor, knees folded and awaiting instruction… right? Not exactly.
Lets just slow down there, tiger. Here, in reality, things work a little differently. There will be plenty of time for fantasyland and it will be a lot more fun after we decide whether or not we are compatible for such pursuits. It is distasteful for any player, regardless of dominant or submissive status, to begin play with someone they have not negotiated with. Pre-scene negotiation is a cardinal rule within most BDSM circles I frequent. Remember, consent goes both ways.
So what does happen? It varies greatly. There is no “Dominatrix Institute” that teaches you how to screen clients the right and wrong way. Mistresses come from all walks of life and employ countless techniques for how they handle their businesses. If you were to call me, you would be greeted by a friendly voice saying something to the effect of, “Good afternoon , How may I help you?” Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Why on earth would a dominatrix say something like that? I run several businesses, and not all of them have people calling who wish to be submissive to me. Beyond that, we have not started our scene the instant you call me. You don’t get to “test out” my dominance by calling to book your appointment; I have a detailed resume on my websites. When you are calling to set up an appointment, your research should be complete. You should be prepared to convince me, not the other way around.
After an initial greeting I will decide based on your introduction whether I believe you are respectful and sincere. If I find you to be rude or insincere, I end the call as quickly as possible without any further investment of time or emotion. If you are polite, I ask if you have ever seen a professional mistress before. This is to determine whether or not you know the difference between prodomination and other forms of sex work. It also lets me know who you might have seen (should I need a reference) and if our styles are compatible. For instance, if I know you gravitate towards a more “sensual” mistress I might refer you someone I felt you were more suited to. I frequently refer clients who I believe are incompatible with my interests. (Playing only with those people I feel truly compelled to dominate keeps my job fresh and exciting.) At the very least, I would ask you about your sessions with those Ladies to comprehend your attraction to specific Mistresses. This tells me more than potential bottoms can usually articulate in specifics.
Keep in mind this is all about BREVITY. Be polite and concise. (I will adore getting the gory details out of you later.) Let me know basic information when I ask a question; I'll ask for more detail if I need it. I do not want to hear the specifics of your last “pink lacy panty session with Mistress Meanie,” I only want to discover your interests and decide whether we are a good fit. You are not going to get me hot or inspire sympathy by telling me creepy stuff over the telephone. It is perfectly fine to be nervous and I am not going to judge you based on what you say your interests are. It is all about your choice of words. If you are respectful of me and my boundaries, I will be polite and respectful to the sensitive nature of your confession. I am very good at keeping secrets. After we decide we are compatible and available on the same day and time we are off to the races.
Do:
-share a short list of your main interests
-share your reason for choosing to call me
-say where you found my information
-know when you are looking to come in
I’ll save what happens in your first session for a future blog entry. Remember that when you call a dominatrix, be respectful without trying to play some sort of role. She should be forthcoming with information regarding her rates, experience, and equipment regardless of her particular style of client screening. It is not unreasonable to expect her to disclose those things and I would be concerned about referring you to anyone who thought it was.
Following these basic guidelines should help you get your “foot” in the door with most reputable Mistresses. Just remember, everyone has their own way they like things done and throwing in a “But Ms Betka said I should…blahblahblah” is a bad idea. Just use this as gentle suggestion list and find out what each Mistress likes by asking her and reading any information she has written on the subject.
Lets just slow down there, tiger. Here, in reality, things work a little differently. There will be plenty of time for fantasyland and it will be a lot more fun after we decide whether or not we are compatible for such pursuits. It is distasteful for any player, regardless of dominant or submissive status, to begin play with someone they have not negotiated with. Pre-scene negotiation is a cardinal rule within most BDSM circles I frequent. Remember, consent goes both ways.
So what does happen? It varies greatly. There is no “Dominatrix Institute” that teaches you how to screen clients the right and wrong way. Mistresses come from all walks of life and employ countless techniques for how they handle their businesses. If you were to call me, you would be greeted by a friendly voice saying something to the effect of, “Good afternoon , How may I help you?” Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Why on earth would a dominatrix say something like that? I run several businesses, and not all of them have people calling who wish to be submissive to me. Beyond that, we have not started our scene the instant you call me. You don’t get to “test out” my dominance by calling to book your appointment; I have a detailed resume on my websites. When you are calling to set up an appointment, your research should be complete. You should be prepared to convince me, not the other way around.
After an initial greeting I will decide based on your introduction whether I believe you are respectful and sincere. If I find you to be rude or insincere, I end the call as quickly as possible without any further investment of time or emotion. If you are polite, I ask if you have ever seen a professional mistress before. This is to determine whether or not you know the difference between prodomination and other forms of sex work. It also lets me know who you might have seen (should I need a reference) and if our styles are compatible. For instance, if I know you gravitate towards a more “sensual” mistress I might refer you someone I felt you were more suited to. I frequently refer clients who I believe are incompatible with my interests. (Playing only with those people I feel truly compelled to dominate keeps my job fresh and exciting.) At the very least, I would ask you about your sessions with those Ladies to comprehend your attraction to specific Mistresses. This tells me more than potential bottoms can usually articulate in specifics.
Keep in mind this is all about BREVITY. Be polite and concise. (I will adore getting the gory details out of you later.) Let me know basic information when I ask a question; I'll ask for more detail if I need it. I do not want to hear the specifics of your last “pink lacy panty session with Mistress Meanie,” I only want to discover your interests and decide whether we are a good fit. You are not going to get me hot or inspire sympathy by telling me creepy stuff over the telephone. It is perfectly fine to be nervous and I am not going to judge you based on what you say your interests are. It is all about your choice of words. If you are respectful of me and my boundaries, I will be polite and respectful to the sensitive nature of your confession. I am very good at keeping secrets. After we decide we are compatible and available on the same day and time we are off to the races.
Do:
-share a short list of your main interests
-share your reason for choosing to call me
-say where you found my information
-know when you are looking to come in
I’ll save what happens in your first session for a future blog entry. Remember that when you call a dominatrix, be respectful without trying to play some sort of role. She should be forthcoming with information regarding her rates, experience, and equipment regardless of her particular style of client screening. It is not unreasonable to expect her to disclose those things and I would be concerned about referring you to anyone who thought it was.
Following these basic guidelines should help you get your “foot” in the door with most reputable Mistresses. Just remember, everyone has their own way they like things done and throwing in a “But Ms Betka said I should…blahblahblah” is a bad idea. Just use this as gentle suggestion list and find out what each Mistress likes by asking her and reading any information she has written on the subject.
posted by Betka Schpitz at
5/11/2006 02:31:00 PM
3 Comments:
This is so helpful and instructive. I'm a complete novice, but interested in learning more about seeing a dominitrix. I've hesitated, though, out of concern for saying the wrong thing or somehow being off-putting.
As I read this post, I realized that, as helpful as it is, it sort of assumes the newbie knows what he/she is looking for. That may not always be the case. For instance, while I know I'm into rubber and nylon encasement, I'm not sure how that would translate into any type of session. I know you could help me learn more and understand my pervi-ness more clearly, but it's not clear to me to get this underway.
So, I guess the question is, how does one "explore" this without jumping in full-on?
Again, thanks for blogging. You're a natural, and it's a great read!
Hello jc,
One of the things I do as a dominatrix is help a new submissive learn to communicate their fantasies in an articulate and interesting way. This is a valuable service that is rarely discussed when you hear about professional domination. It is one of the more important things we do. I do this by asking leading questions. If you said “I like nylon", I would ask you to briefly describe what that means to you. "Do you enjoy wearing nylon, seeing it on others, having it used for bondage?"
If you said you didn’t know I would ask you to describe briefly whatever imagery you had seen (or fantasy you may have dreamt up involving it). This would tell me more about the type of session we would enjoy than a simple "I like nylon bondage." I hope that explains how a Mistress might get information out of you that you don’t even know yourself.(Yet.)Keep in mind this is to give me an idea of the type of scene that would best press you buttons, this should not be considered a to do list. When you make a "to do" list in your mind, you shut yourself off to a mountain of kinky possibilities. (Not to mention, thoroughly irritate most Dommes.)
As for dipping your toes into the pervy waters, I recommend reading everything you can get your hands on that is written by educated, empathetic perverts.( Midori, Patrick Califia,Claudia Varrin, Gloria Brame to name a few.)
Use common sense when reading websites dedicated to BDSM. If something sounds like a porn movie dialogue, it should not be mistaken as educational. If they are saying anything remotely like "real slaves don't..." Run. Any resource worth its salt is going to tell you that every relationship evolves differently and there are no set rules. The whole "real slaves" and "real masters" thing is a joke to most people I know.
Be respectful and polite during your introduction to a potential Mistress. Ask her how she prefers to be addressed and state your interests and concerns in a brief introductory email. She should take care of the rest. (Incidentally, if you are in North Tx. I recommend Domina Athena from Dallas. She is beautiful and highly skilled.)
You are most welcome.
Stay slick,
Ms B
That was a great question, jc. It's nice to see people commenting on Ms. Betka's blog, and in such an intelligent way.
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